I'm pretty convinced you must be really handsome or related to someone you work with, because you clearly didn't get to working with these chips by brain power. Try not putting the device in test mode and you might have better connectivity. You can also look at changing the reset line setup, because it's nothing like what every document relevant to this subject recommends. Just sayin'. Hope your day is good and that you don't hurt yourself trying to understand this paragraph.
p.s. guys i'm responding to myself because i figured out my problem, and thought it might be helpful to anyone else who makes rookie mistakes like me.